Reflections on Motherhood

In keeping with the theme of Mother's Day, I thought it would be nice to put in writing some of my thoughts and feelings about motherhood...

It's been such a whirlwind the past 18 months (the first 9 of which I was pretty well miserable, but totally worth it). There are so many wonderful things about the latter 9 months that I will never be able to put it all into words. But I look forward to every night when Gracie still wakes up, to just snuggle and kiss her sweet face. I look forward to coming home every evening to watch her explore and learn. I look forward to the rest of my life, loving every minute of motherhood. But before I go too deep into my own motherhood experiences, I'd first like to go back....

I was a kid from a "broken" home, but I sure didn't feel like it. It was great! I got to know my parents equally well, see them both much of the time, and have two of everything (birthdays, vacations, Christmases, etc.). My parents did a wonderful job making sure I was not affected by their divorce very much. Either that, or I used to be more resilient than I am now, but I doubt that.

I'll devote more time to dad in June, but I'd like to focus on my mom and I for a bit. She was the most fun mom any kid could hope for. She loved doing things with us: Ohiopyle, hiking, camping (she could make spaghetti and meatballs over a campfire), festivals, Outer Banks, and fall foliage were a few of her favorites. She was always dancing, singing, and embarrassing me all the while. She loved being Irish even more than I do. She never did teach me to jig, or pass on her green thumb, but her genuine love of life was hard not to catch.

She also made sure my brother and I behaved in most situations. We were two of the only kids who's mom signed that "we'll spank your kid of their bad at school" form. Of course, we didn't need it, because we knew mom's reaction would be worse if we did. So we were angels at school, and in most other public places as well.

But from what I've heard (and remember) I think I was more challenging than even she anticipated. I love the story of me in church, some time prior to my long term memory maturing...I was apparently acting up (as I've heard was pretty typical), and my mom supposedly picked me up to take me out of church, and I screamed "mommy! don't beat me!" Oh, how mortified she must have been!

Another of my favorite stories took place when I was about 6 years old. Uncle Todd (her brother) was tickling my mom and I called him a b#sterd because I thought he was hurting her. She grabbed me so quick I didn't know what happened, and she washed my mouth out with soap. I tried to tell her I didn't know it was a bad word...and that really was the truth. But I still don't use that word to this day.

As I grew, I challenged my mom more every year. Each situation, most of which I'm certainly not proud, she handled with stern patience and unconditional love.

She didn't have it easy, trying to balance motherhood and work. But we never really knew it. We never wanted for much, never felt neglected, and always knew we were loved more than anything..."bunches" as she used to say.

She died of cancer four years ago next month, and I miss her more every day. But it is the goofiness, the vacations, the discipline that she instilled in me that I remember now. I think of her every day, and hope I am able to be, to Gracie and any kids we have in the future, the kind of mom she was to me. In nearly every interaction with Gracie, I think about her love, her patience, and how much I hope that I can instill in Gracie, all the gifts my mom gave to me.

Just like every new mom, I've cried in the past 8 1/2 months. I've been frustrated, humbled, and confused. But more than anything, I've been loved by my little girl. And I know now, even though I never had the guts to ask her when she was sick, that my mom knew I loved her. She knew it even before I could say it or when I thought I was too cool to say so. That's what being a mother really is...it is love like I've never been able to understand before. I'm so thankful to have been so loved by my mom, and now by my daughter.

Happy Mother's Day - to all the women who make a difference in even one life!